i dun want to work.. its not that i hate work or anything, in fact i love my workplace and enjoy working together with my frens, the staff and even the surgeons who are ever willing to teach.. but thinking that i could be out there doing something else other than working at 20 years old makes me dun want to work.. i want to study.. i want to study wad i like.. so many thots going thru my head.. if only i was given the opportunity to not get bonded i could have been studying right now instead of working.. if only i have all my options open.. well tough luck for me.. i only have one option for now and thats to finish my 3 yrs..

i dun feel the motivation to go to work at all.. home makes it worse.. coming home after work, i feel damn sian.. mum shouting at me b4 i even remove my shoes.. sometimes i come home, there is even no dinner to eat.. i just watch my drama, read my book, shower and head to bed.. next morning, wake up and dad sends me to work .. a whole new day of more operations that we scrub for day in day out.. and if im lucky dad is free to fetch i reach home earlier.. sometimes we might end just abit later cuz of meetings..

once or twice a week i meet up with my frens after work, for dinner and birthday celebrations.. we dun really seem to do fun things anymore.. everyday we all just seem to think about not going home late cuz most of us have work the next day.. i do to.. of cuz.. none of us want to be tired for work wad..

maybe i just miss ward work.. maybe im not suited for ot or for office hours work.. maybe im not interested in ot in the first place.. maybe i dun feel the job satisfaction like i do at wards despite the craziness the comes with it.. i guess i need more patient interaction.. i feel like none of the skills and stuff that i learnt in school are being put to use in ot.. i dun hate ot but i have no special feelings or interest for it either..

everyday i learn more about the instruments, equipment, implants that we use.. i learn more about the way documentation is being done in the ot.. i learn more about the usual items that we need to prepare b4 the op starts.. i learn more about each surgeon's preferences on wad kind of sutures they like to use etc and how to anticipate wad to hand out next.. i learn how to take picture if the dr ask to, and how to record a particular op.. i noe which surgeons to stay away from and which surgeons you can joke with.. i noe which staff are nice and fun which staff are strict and scary.. i noe which solutions to use for a procedure and which cleansing solutions to provide the dr with.. i learn how to be a better circulating or scrub nurse.. i learn how to help the anesthetist at times even thou its not my job.. i learn how to pack the intruments properly and carefully so that the cssd staff do not come after me or my senior staff nurse.. i learn how to choose the right cap at work so that its not big on my head.. i learn how to maintain sterility and not contaminate any sterile items.. i learn how to open sterile items properly.. i learn how to help the hca to clean up the theatre when they are busy and i learn to stay clear after they have scrubbed the floor so that i dun dirty the freshly washed theatre.. and everyday i get better at the work i do..

i learn so many things everyday but at the end of the day, when i leave for home, i feel like i have learnt nothing or very minimal stuff.. and that sucks! big time..